Smedley clearly states what he EVEN MEANS

We psychiatrists are sophisticated. Our theories are not just voted on (homosexuality IN! Then OUT! Eating organic food IN! Yes yes!); we actually debate them and then ask our funders for input.

Yet sick people ask the following, and I quote:

But what do you EVEN MEAN?

You switch among different meanings of the same words!

You use equivocation, ambiguity, vagueness, slipperiness, contradiction, and innuendo to protect your franchise!

This is nothing new from this disturbed lot,

What do we "EVEN MEAN"? Here is EXACTLY what we mean!

1. Your body is not sick. What a silly idea. The addition of your mind is necessary.

   In other words, you have to ADD ONE ENTITY because Occam was wrong! Do we have to spell that out?

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   There is an INTERACTION between these two things, your mind and your body! They AFFECT each other! Remember this, my little friend!

   Count them! One, two! You can't have "an interaction between ONE THING"! You can't have "ONE THING affect each other"! Once again: there are TWO (deux) things. 2! II!

   (Our most profound insight is coming.)

   THIS MEANS THAT WE ARE THE ADVANCED SCIENTISTS WHO ARE NOT DUALISTS.

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   The only course of action is to debate the mind-body problem for another few thousand years.

   Only after that can we allow the pedestrian type of scientist (i.e. DUALISTS who consider only ONE thing to be meaningful in any well-defined scientific sense) to kill viruses and so on.

   You deserve the very best philosophers!!!!! (Especially postmodernists!)

2. In Darwin terms, everybody competes to be sicker so they can survive to produce offspring.
3. You are sick because you think you are sick. For example, thinking that you have HIV/AIDS causes HIV to materialize in your body.

4. You are a couch potato and need exercise. Again, you are misinterpreting the signals of being a couch potato for being dead, etc. This is what makes you be dead. A trial of great scientific integrity proved this.

   Deconditioning sounds more scientific than couch potato, so that is what we use.

5. Every biological pathway in your body can be activated and/or broken individually by thinking or feeling.
6. All of you around the world are pretending to be sick with the same set of signs and symptoms that the media never report on. The Internet caused the New Guinea and 1934 LA outbreaks.

7. You have a homunculus, which is called the "subconscious" because that sounds less discredited. It tells your body to become sick using symbolism. Literary criticism is more useful than you think!

   It works like this. Your body wants to please your homunculus. For example, wheezing is a suppressed "cry" for your mother. RSI is a failure to "get a grip". Interstitial cystitis is a "discharge" of internal hatred (probably of us). SYMPATHETIC MAGIC REALLY WORKS! It is like voodoo dolls, except with your mind.

8. You are having subconscious fun. This is my distinguished theory, which cut its teeth on MS and Bhopal. It is always true.
9. The subconscious, again, is a type of evil spirit. (N.B. It is a miniature version of you, thus evil.)
10. You are sick and not sick simultaneously. You don't understand deconstructionism, do you? Not our problem.
11. You need to understand quotation marks. Your disease is real but not "real". It is "real" but not real.
12. I wasn't going to bring up penis envy.
13. I can't heeeeear you.

A sound scientific theory, like a novel that you curl up in a window nook with, should mean something different to everybody.

But WE always know what WE mean!!!!! It is insulting when you ask us "what do you EVEN MEAN"! We don't just go "eenee meenee minee mo"! (Unless we need a tiebreaker.)

Which one we mean depends on what you think we mean. If you think we mean 7, we go to 8. We can be assumed to be correct by default.

How could that possibly be a problem?

William Smedley

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[This blog has many unpublished ready-to-go posts written long ago. This is one.]