Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Smedley explains how the subconscious causes large numbers of deaths

An intriguing and fun question

Sick people often ask,

Why are there so many deaths?

This is a good question and we denialists have whiled away many enjoyable hours discussing it over fine wine.

It can't be because they "have an AIDS-like disease" and "need biomedical research", as biomedical scientists foolishly claim. It must be something else.

By the way, insurance companies have nothing to do with our work, and coincidentally, they pay for it.

Hypotheses

Telekinesis makes good sense, because everything in medicine is the fault of sick people or their close relatives (it is sometimes the neighbour if it is in my household).

However, we had to abandon that hypothesis, even though we retain it to this day.

We considered subconscious injection of multiple poisons and subconscious bribing of undertakers, but they didn't pan out, even though they are of course true.

Excellent acting

The evidence-based hypothesis, which saved millions of sick people from having biomedical research done on them, is "excellent acting".

A dead person is so difficult that only the best actors can inhabit the role; however, all actors aspire to it and eventually master it.

Bunny visits the grave of a stage troupe friend.

smedley--excellent-acting--s.jpg

If this evidence is not to your liking, we will change it for a small fee.

Where do they learn their acting skills?

Sick people learn acting whilst scamming insurance companies and the NHS for medical care.

All people want spinal taps and the like, but to protect the greater good, normal people resist the temptation. Only sick people have the temerity to ask.

Therefore, in order to justify their demands (and cover up for being inferior), acting skill is necessary. They get their spinal taps without any punishment. It's like a vending machine for them.

Do not misunderstand me

I never said that sick people are exaggerating or faking. It is subconscious. I never said that it is subconscious.

Media

I am pleased that the media understand our approach to this mysterious subject.

Whenever there is a debate between beleaguered denialists and the powerful, powerful lobby comprising the scientists and physicians who know the disease (and who are holding beautiful people like myself back by demanding biomedical research), reporters say,

Critics charge that the disease is largely physical.

Inserting that word, "largely", is fantastic!

"Critics charge that witches are largely unrelated to the cows' demise!" "Morning sickness is largely not the mother's subconscious desire to abort the foetus!" "Epilepsy is largely not self-centered psychopathy!"

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE, WE CAN USE THIS!!!!!1


Even better, it was my idea! Because I am the expert for articles about my distinguished work!

Journalists are at the top of their form!!!!!

Death and the subconscious

We abandoned the 1800s concept of the subconscious, so we still use it to explain diseases that people die from.

Sick people ask,

How can this "subconscious" of yours cause such large numbers of deaths?

I can't resist such an entertaining topic!

The subconscious can do this because it has a subconscious.

Further questions

I know exactly what you are thinking right now. I bet you're thinking this!

Then where does that subconscious get that ability?

The answer is that it is the subconscious all the way down.

William Smedley

P.S.

We denialists haven't forgotten our manners. We will send flowers. Please use them for both your acting award and your funeral as this will reduce expenses.

I am going to go find a suitable Burgundy for our next sophisticated meeting. Bye now!

[Editor's note: Sir William Smedley lives in North Manchester with his three tamarins. His 100+ papers on subconscious fun will go down in history.]

Footnotes:

1

Critics charge that autism is largely not refrigerator mothering! Radiation poisoning is largely not housewife syndrome! Parkinson's is largely not the subconscious desire to masturbate combined with the social unacceptability of doing so!

RSI is largely not compensation neurosis and people who need to "get a grip" on themselves! Interstitial cystitis is largely not "discharge" of internal hatred! Asthma is largely not a suppressed "cry" for one's mother!

AIDS is largely not the stress of being gay!


When a reporter uses "largely", it is the best thing since sliced croissants made by poor people in Paris who wear colorful garb and then shipped to North Manchester for me to have in a refined and sophisticated way for my breakfast while listening to Bolero!!!!!

6 comments :

  1. Hello Samuel

    This Smedley. Who is he? Reminds me very much of a certain unknown, Slippary Sighman, a purveyor in abstracted theories on a distant planet where the number of angels in the waiting room is still highly undebated. S's language seems that of the sociopath he could not be: smooth and soporifically convincing, contradictory, confused and confusing. Too brilliantly thick, thinks[?] he, for any one sick but pretending [as he says but denies in his far away world] to counteract, with any bio-medical trivia, his unwholly nobel ascent. He is also fond of a nice red and a good cigar but this is largely unrelated to imbibition or inhalation.
    Sounds like a case of evidence-based inter-planetary ESP! Let's book the SMC!*

    Seriously, great piece.
    Thank you
    Kate

    *London, UK

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so friggin glad you exist, as now i don't have to go to the trouble to invent you...as if i could. Keep on keepin on for us sad psychologically twisted sickos.

    ReplyDelete

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