Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Letter: transmissibility

Dear The Kafka Pandemic:

You asked about transmissibility. This is complicated and we don't think the general public will understand it.

We have long informed the world that your little problem is not transmissible. We even told a national television show that there are no clusters.

As you know, we define your funny little aspects to simultaneously exist and not exist, so it is only fair that we get to choose which one we want. We choose nonexistence this time, because transmissibility would be bad. This principle is the foundation of public health.

However, out of an abundance of caution, we performed studies in kindergartens to see if we could find a troublesomeness there which simultaneously is and is not the same as yours.

Is-ness and Is-not-ness are One. I have a guru. He told me that.

We are pleased to tell you the results. The results are that you may not give blood. (Or other tissues. Or organs. Even when there are shortages.) But your quirky conundrum of a peculiar phobia is, of course, still not transmissible until we make it so by saying so.

We found that in kindergartners, your personality defect (which you call a "roughly full-blown-AIDS-like multisystem disease" for some reason) is transmissible by proximity.

This discovery is so significant that we changed the name of our division to reflect this new reality (see our new name below) and will issue a press release, which we are good at.

Your letters are a pleasant diversion from our ground-breaking and heroic work.

Sincerely,

Centers for Disease Concealment
Vector-borne, Rickettsial, and Cooties Division

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